Style Conversational Week 1476: The search continues The Empress of The Style Invitational on this week’s Googlenope contest and financial-fictoid results Well, it was until this morning … What's a Googlenope today might well not be one four weeks from now (and might even differ among users). Don't sweat this; just play in good faith. (Screen image) By Pat Myers February 17, 2022 at 5:04 p.m. EST The Style Invitational is a humor contest, and one key element of humor is irony — some situation in which two things coexist unexpectedly A clumsy man trips over his feet and falls over: maybe funny, not ironic. Clumsy/clumsy result. Rudolf Nureyev trips over his feet and falls over: ironic and surely funnier. Graceful/clumsy result. In the several contests since 2007 that The Style Invitational has run for Googlenopes — phrases that, when put in quotes and searched for on Google, get no real matches — irony has been the source of most of the humor. (And faux irony abounds among this week’s winning “fictoids” about finance; see below.) This week’s contest, Week 1476, repeats the one we did in 2018. In that one, Week 1305, I also invited what we called Googleyups: phrases that someone out there saw fit to say on the Internet. Just as this week, you could send a G’nope, a G’yup or an entry combining two or more of either or both — like the three Nopes and a Yup that serve as today’s primary example. Important if you’re going to play! For your Googleyup — and to get anything good for a Googlenope — you’ll want to use quotes around your phrase, since otherwise Google is looking for those words somewhere on the page, not necessarily together. For instance, a search for unquoted sexy coke bottle glasses yields 5.9 million pages. And: Keep the phrase short. To find that no one else has posted exactly the same 18 words in one particular order: not thrilling, and possibly misleading. Also really important: Google search, like so much of the Internet, is a highly fluid, constantly changing organism. Your search that gave you a Googlenope for you you on Wednesday is suddenly giving you 14 hits when you prepare to send it in on Friday. Just note that. But don’t cheat. (And a funny ironic comparison between something with 14 hits and one with 400,000 works just fine. Yup!) Still, according to my introduction to the results of the 2018 contest, the 'nopes tended to hold up for the duration. ADVERTISING Below are some samples from then, and from some earlier ones. (Full results from Week 1305, 2018) From Week 1305, headlined No-Hit Wonders: Fourth place: Googleyup: “Cows are smarter than you think.” (a Googlewhack, exactly one hit)// Googleyup: “Pigs are smarter than you think.” // Googlenope: “Betsy DeVos is smarter than you think.” (Mark Raffman) Third place: Googleyup: “Does your virginity grow back?” (101 results) (Mike Burch) Second place: Googlewhack: “Sarah Huckabee Sanders always tells the truth.” (The whole sentence: “Sarah Huckabee Sanders always tells the truth about absolutely nothing.”) (Lorna Jerome, who wisely included the context that made the entry funny) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Googlenope: “No one invites me to LinkedIn.”* (Eric Nelkin — winner of today’s fictoid contest!) Googleyup: “Our calm four-year-old” — but they all refer to dogs (Mark Richardson) Googlewhack: “Cannot wait to see Washington in the summer” (and it referred to Washington state) (Duncan Stevens) Googlenope: “Chasidic twerking videos” (Google asked helpfully, “Did you mean: ‘Hasidic twerking videos’?” Fortunately, that was also a Googlenope.) (Daphne Steinberg) I think the yups were an improvement over the previous Googlenopes contests, which are funny in their irony but kind of slim. See for yourself. Report from Week 865 (2010), in which we sought yet more Googlenopes — phrases that still yielded that “no results found” icon when you offer them to the Universe’s Biggest Search Engine. Once again, some of the thousands of 'Nopes submitted were just convenient misspellings of names. [Oy, people, do not do that for Week 1476!] For all the results below — which were still unique at press time [in 2010] — the phrases were entered within quotation marks. Capitalization didn’t matter in the searches. Several entrants noted to the Empress that they were more amazed by the phrases that did produce a few hits, such as “National Beet Day” (discovered by Tom Kreitzberg) or “the wisdom of Tom Cruise” (noted by Russell Beland). These have been called Googleyups, and yes, we’ll have to get to them. [ See? Just took eight years.] (We have already done Googlewhacks, in which there is exactly one hit.) (Plain-text file of full results; scroll down past that week’s new contest) Both “Nobody understands me like my husband” and “Nobody understands me like my wife” (Mark Richardson, Washington) 2. the winner of the nine-inch-long black gummi rat: “I was persuaded by the picket sign” (Dan Steinberg, Silver Spring) 3. “President Obama wigs” (Mike Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.) 4. “I lost lots of weight by eating better and exercising” (Sheri Tardio, Prince Frederick) None: The Less — Honorable mentions “Lady Gaga wore a modest” … (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) “Muhammad Halloween masks” (Kevin Dopart, Washington) “I always lift the toilet seat for my husband” (David Thorne, Washington, a First Offender) “Now I understand all of 'Lost' " (Craig Dykstra, Centreville) “Find me an Amway dealer” (Russell Beland, Fairfax) “The GOP leadership sought a compromise” (Anne Paris, Arlington) “I was outraged by that ‘Family Circus’ cartoon” (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon) “I don’t know, so I’ll say nothing.” (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring) “unwanted strip of bacon” (Russell Beland) “the best of the feel-good Russian novels” (Michael Woods, Arlington) “Three animals were harmed in the making of this movie” (Russell Beland) ““I laughed at The Style Invitational” (Kevin Dopart) Sponsored Video Advertisement By Advertising Partner Watch to learn more See more And back at the beginning: From Week 717, 2007: Report From Week 717, when we asked for Googlenopes, phrases that — until now — would yield no hits if entered within quotation marks on the Google search engine. An amazing number of entrants got their no-hitters only by misspellings: “Barbara McCulsky look-alike” may be a 'nope, but “Barbara Mikulski look-alike” is not. And we’re going to print the following entries right here, just so they’ll no longer be Googlenopes: “The Empress is sexy,” “the Empress is thoughtful,” “the Empress is hot,” “the Empress is amazing,” “the Empress totally rocks,” “the Empress deserves a Pulitzer.” [2022 note: “The Empress totally rocks,” 15 years later, gets only the hit of the Week 717 results text file on NRARS.org.] All right, then. (All the entries below were verified Googlenopes at this writing [2007]. Capitalization and punctuation are not factors in Google searches.) 4. “Calvin Coolidge bobblehead” (Ann Martin, Annapolis) 3. “All the girls loved my Camry” (Tom Lundregan, Alexandria) 2. The winner of the Candy Hose Nose: “Haute cuisine sucks” (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg) And the Winner of the Inker: “That controversial ‘Gilligan’s Island’ episode” (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) ‘Worth Only a Magnet’ “Coprolite engagement rings” (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.) “What’s so cute about pandas?” (Laurel Gainor, Great Falls) “Fox News is more accurate than” (Brian Fox, Charlottesville) “The weapons system came in under budget” (Rick Haynes, Department of Defense, Potomac) “Lightly used caskets” (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) “One sexy imam” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) “Hardcore Nationals fan” (Brian Cohen, Potomac) [this is now up to 3,400 results] “DIY Extreme Unction” (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) “I wish Paris Hilton was my mom” (Jonathan Gettleman, Ashburn) “Funny Googlenopes” (Russell Beland, Springfield) “First-time entries never get ink” (Pete Marshman, Edgewater — and yes, of course) By the way, Elizabeth Molyé originally suggested a Nope version of Instagram hashtags, as in #sexycokebottleglasses. I was enthusiastic — even learning how to get into Twitter without an account (Insta doesn’t allow it) — until I realized that hashtags, besides being hard to read, just don’t cover that many options. There might not be a #tedcruzfanclub Instagram hashtag, but there were almost 2,000 Google hits, including two articles with that header from New York Magazine. So I went back to Google, especially after seeing that “sexy Coke bottle glasses” noped anyway. Incidentally: Elizabeth, who’s been away from the Invite for years, is coming to Sunday’s brunch along with her SO, Now a Loser and Style Invitational Devotee Chad Chitwood! Looking forward to hanging with you, Chad. And speaking of … Last call for brunch! Sunday, Feb. 20, Bethesda Safe dining has become the norm in most D.C. restaurants — the staff is masked; nobody blinks at being asked to show a vaccination card — and so the Royal Consort and I are totally looking forward to this Sunday’s Loser brunch (No. 237!), at the Spanish Diner on Bethesda Row in downtown Bethesda, Md., at noon. I’ve heard good things about the famed José Andrés’s informal eatery that focuses on the home cooking of his native country, including all-day egg dishes. But the real attraction for me is meeting new Losers — or just fans of the Invite — as well as reconnecting with the regulars, and I’m looking forward to personally presenting a Loser mug to last week’s runner-up (David Stonner, Washington) at his first Loser sighting. It’s not too late to sign up, but be sure to let Ur-Loser Elden Carnahan know ASAP at elden [dot] carnahan [at} gmail [dot] com so he can get the reservation right. The restaurant requires proof of vaccination. Downtown Bethesda’s parking garages are free on weekends! If you can’t make it this month, check out a full year’s (tentative) schedule on the Losers’ website, NRARS.org. It’s headlined “Our Social Engorgements, or Dorkness at Noon, or Once More Into the Brunch,” Note to the wary: This is not some sort of competitive quipfest — far from it. We just chat and eat and just get to know one another. We won’t even break out into song parodies. Har currency*: The financial fictoids of Week 1472 *Non-inking headline by Chris Doyle Once again, The Style Invitational plays on the genre of trivia lists and “Did You Know …” features, sometimes spoofing specific “amazing” facts and ironies (or alleged facts and ironies), like the one that 90 percent of all U.S. $20 bills contain traces of cocaine, or the woo-woo similarities between Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy. And of course managing to get some digs in about current events and their, uh, eventers. It’s the second win (the first was that 2018 Googlenope!), but the first Clowning Achievement trophy, for Eric Nelkin, who attributed Lincoln’s victory in the 1860 election to his widespread name recognition from being on the $5 bill. That gives him 82 blots of ink overall, and six “above the fold.” John Hutchins gets his 20th trip to the Losers’ Circle, and 157 blots, with is report of a surge in the GNP of India “purely from increased call center volume from Virginians afraid of critical race theory.” Okay, a stretch to call that a financial fictoid, but deftly done. Hall of Famer Mark Raffman mined the “whatever happened to” genre to say that, in a sequel, “George Bailey goes on to build himself a mansion using the money he collected in overdraft fees.” And Bruce Carlson proves that the Empress — despite her protestations — will still fall for a Him Again joke: A little-known section of the U.S. tax code exempts citizens from paying taxes if they have bone spurs in their feet. Well, it does seem to exempt them from military service. What Doug Dug: The favorites this week of Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood were Bruce’s bone spur joke; Gary Crockett revealing movie dialogue by ultra-capitalist Gordon Gekko, who added, ““But even better is saving 15 percent on your car insurance”; Perry Beider’s joke about failed meteorologists turning to economic forecasting; Frank Osen about a George Parker selling an NFT of the Brooklyn Bridge — Parker was a con man who repeatedly “sold” control of said bridge to duped immigrants, hence the saying “If you believe that, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you”; and the triply credited joke about Tom Brady heading to the Federal Reserve because of his success in overcoming inflation. I almost ran two funny (and somewhat similar) entries that spoof the trivia genre — except that they’re not untrue: If you balance a Millard Fillmore Presidential Dollar on its edge during the spring equinox, it will still be an unpopular coin that virtually no one uses. (Mark Calandra) If you hold the latest version of the $500 bill up to the light and closely examine the reverse side, you can easily discern that you have much more readily available cash than the average person. (David Stonner) I had a strong feeling that earlier fictoid contests also had a few truebies: If you laid all of the arteries, arterioles, capillaries, venules and veins in your body end to end, you’d die. (Martin Heath, Week 812, medical trivia) “West Side Story” was originally envisioned as a straight play set in Renaissance Italy. (Russell Beland, Week 768, movie trivia) If you stand atop the DAR Building with binoculars and look toward the White House, you are likely to learn more about snipers than you need to know. (Jeff Brechlin, Week 1109, D.C. trivia) And then there was Ward Kay’s about a state’s highest-paid employee being the college football coach — and it’s lowest-paid one the college football player … followed by “Oh, wait, it’s supposed to be false.” This may be the first of such entries — I’ve gotten many of them over the years — that got ink from me. And finally there’s Gary Crockett, who says his fictoid is true as well: If all of Jeff Bezos’s wealth were converted into a stack of $100 bills, the stack would be higher than his rocket can fly. But not higher than Elon’s can. I asked Gary to show his work: Bezos (as of today): 180 billion dollars = 1.8 billion $100 bills U.S. paper currency is .0043 inches thick. 1,800,000,000 x .0043 = 7,740,000 inches 1 mile = 63,360 inches 7,740,000 / 63,360 = 122.16 miles Elon's rockets have flown to the International Space Station, which is 254 miles above the Earth. Bezos's New Shepard launcher took Captain Kirk to a height of 63 miles, and is not capable of much beyond that. Their next generation, the New Glenn, would be able to fly over the stack of money. It was planned to launch in 2020, but they've had lots of trouble with the engine design. It will at the very earliest fly later this year, and at this point it would be surprising if they even made that goal. But how many Loser magnets?